Two Eskimos

ChadTower

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Roger was sitting in a very full bus when a fat woman opposite said, “If you were a gentleman, young man, you'd stand up and let someone else sit down.” “And if you were a lady,” replied Roger, “you'd stand up and let four people sit down.”
 

oldsarge

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A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.


'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...


'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theater and later had drinks.. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?'


'No,' she replied...
'You just happened to catch my eye...'
 

oldsarge

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late... and saw the funeral guy was evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left... And they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down.
The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept; I wept; we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen NOTHIN' like that before .... And I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years..!!"
 

Judy Ann

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oldsarge you can type a joke like no one else!!! They say that laughter is the best medicine and your jokes have helped many of my patients and families find a bit of humor in an otherwise horrible day.

FreshAirLover, your eskimo joke has been tailored many times to suit the situation and is always a big hit. I am one who cannot tell a good joke but that one is hard to mess up and lord knows I've tried! Thank you for sharing!
 

oldsarge

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oldsarge you can type a joke like no one else!!! They say that laughter is the best medicine and your jokes have helped many of my patients and families find a bit of humor in an otherwise horrible day.

FreshAirLover, your eskimo joke has been tailored many times to suit the situation and is always a big hit. I am one who cannot tell a good joke but that one is hard to mess up and lord knows I've tried! Thank you for sharing!
This is nice to hear, thank you! Laughter is the best medicine, I've seen some real crappy situations be turned completely around with laughter.
 

oldsarge

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Choosing the right domain name is important for webmasters but checking the meaning of your desired domain name carefully before registering it should be done otherwise.........


Firstly there is "Who Represents?" - a database for agencies to the rich and famous:

Contact Celebrity Agents Lawyers Managers and Publicists - WhoRepresents?com - WhoRepresentscelebrity?com ---> whore presents



Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views:

expertsexchange.com ---> expert sex change



Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

http://www.penisland.net --> Penis land



Need a therapist? Try:

Find a Therapist | Marriage and Family Therapists - [CounselingCalifornia.com] --> the rapist finder



Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New SouthWales:

http://www.molestationnursery.com --> molestation nursery
 

Grandpa

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I became very confused when I hear
the word "service" used with most agencies, like:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
United States Postal 'Service'
Forest 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City , State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.

BAM !!! It all came into focus.
 

dinosaur

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A man is at a MLB playoff game and walks to his box seat on the first base side right behind the dugout. There is an older woman sitting to his left and an open seat between them where she has placed her jacket. Curious, the man inquires about the open seat which is quite rare for a playoff game. The woman says the seat is her husband's.
The man says "Is he at the concession stand?" She says "No. My husband passed away." The man replies "I'm so sorry. Couldn't you have given his ticket to one of his friends?" The woman looks at him and says "Oh, heavens no! They're all at the funeral."
 

oldsarge

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A murder has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the floor.

The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head.

"How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know.
Five, six, seven.....Put me down for a five."
 

oldsarge

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?", asked the first detective.
"He was shot with a golf gun," replied the other.
"A golf gun? What's a golf gun?"
"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."
 

oldsarge

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Here's one for you Gunny!

A crusty old Marine found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me Sergeant Major , but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
__________________
 

oldsarge

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This might make all you veterans smile.

.Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland Australia.

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you's are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil
that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in
bloodyquick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta
get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before
breaky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody
cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta
shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a
light to see what ya doing!

At breaky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo
steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon,
and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a
'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in
the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody
possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the
Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows
before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable
and hit the
target -its a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges -they
comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against
the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real
careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and
Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best
the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,
but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick
before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila xx
 

Judy Ann

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LOL...too funny oldsarge! I was shaking my head at one of my co-workers the other day (Navy). So petite and demure until she gets talking trash.
 

oldsarge

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LOL...too funny oldsarge! I was shaking my head at one of my co-workers the other day (Navy). So petite and demure until she gets talking trash.
Here's one for your Navy friend


A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
 

oldsarge

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Next time you're at the bar, order the "Osama"

It's two shots and a splash of water!
 
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oldsarge

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I hear there are lots of bin Laden jokes out there...



...they just haven't surfaced yet !!
 
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