Two Eskimos

[dinosaur]

A Jewish guy comes out of a store and sees a large hearse moving slowly down the street. About fifty feet behind is another hearse and about thirty feet behind that hearse is an Italian man walking a dog on a leash. About twenty feet behind him is a procession of two hundred men all walking single file.

The Jewish fellow has never seen anything like this before so he walks up to the Italian guy walking the dog and asks respectfully who the funeral is for. The Italian says "My wife.". The Jewish guy says "I'm sorry. What happened?". The Italian says" She was yelling at me and raised her hand to me and the dog attacked her and killed her.". The Jewish guy says "Well, who's in the second hearse?". The Italian replies "My mother-in-law. She tried to step in to help and the dog killed her too.".

The two men walk in silence for a while. Then the Jewish guy asks "Can I borrow the dog?". The Italian points behind him and says "Get in line.".

 

[bsmit212]

The Penis Study:

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forhead....

 

[oldsarge]

Little Johnny is playing in the street with his friends. He runs into the house and says “Mom, what’s it called when two people share a room and one lies on top of the other?”
His mom is a little bit taken back and quickly decides to tell Johnny the truth “That’s called sexual intercourse, Johnny”.
Little Johnny looks stumped, and he runs back to his friends in the street.
2 minutes later, he runs back into the house and says “Mom! you liar! Its not called sexual intercourse, it’s called BUNK BEDS!”

 

[oldsarge]

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies: “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”
The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?” The mother replies: “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
The boy asks his sister: “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father answers: “Okay son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”

 

[oldsarge]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

 

[oldsarge]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man.

“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life,” St. Peter informed him.

“Where’s Obama’s clock?”

“His clock is in Jesus’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

 

[CozInCowtown]

Just a reminder when posting jokes we have ladies and kids who visit.
Post accordingly!!
Coz

 

[jason]

The once was a poor Irish farming family. Their soil was so poor they mainly grew dirt. They also had a milk cow and what a cow it was. It gave a lot of milk and excellent milk it was. The family sold the milk to buy food and that's what kept them going.

One day the father came outside and saw the milk cow was dead. Not knowing what to do he went to the barn and hanged himself.

The mother came out and saw the dead milk cow and the father hanging by the neck so she threw herself into the river and drowned.

The eldest of the three boys came outside and saw the dead milk cow, the father hanging by the neck, the mother drowned in the river and a leprechaun. A women leprechaun.

The leprechaun said to him "Look like you're having a wee bit of a bad day"

"Aye I am" he replied.

"Well here's what I'm going to do for you. If you make love to me 10 times in a row without stopping I'll bring back your father and mother and the milk cow."

"Looking at you, and since I"m young and virile I'll give it a go"

So he tried but failed so she killed him.

Then the next son walked outside and saw the dead milk cow, the father hanging by the neck, the mother drowned in the river and the lady leprechaun.

The leprechaun said to him "Look like you're having a wee bit of a bad day"

"Aye I am" he replied.

"Well here's what I'm going to do for you. If you make love to me 10 times in a row without stopping I'll bring back your father, mother, brother and the milk cow."

"Well I"ll have a go at it!"

So he tried but failed so she killed him.

Then the next son walked outside and saw the dead milk cow, the father hanging by the neck, the mother drowned in the river and the lady leprechaun.

The leprechaun said to him "Look like you're having a wee bit of a bad day"

"Aye I am" he replied.

"Well here's what I'm going to do for you. If you make love to me 10 times in a row without stopping I'll bring back your father and mother, your brothers and the milk cow."

"That sounds good but first I have a question. What if I make love to you 15 times in a row?"

She blushed, giggled and then said "If you do that I'll bring back your father and mother, your brothers, the milk cow and give you a great big mansion where your hovel is."

"That sounds grand but what if I make love to you 20 times in a row?"

She blushed, giggled and then said "If you do that I'll bring back your father and mother, your brothers, the milk cow and give you a great big mansion where your hovel is. And I"ll toss in a great big crock of gold so you'll be set for life!"

"That's more like it. But lets say I make love to you 20 times in a row, what to keep you from dying from it? The milk cow did."

 

[jason]

The way this week is heading this may be more truth then joke.

There is a problem with pint glasses. You see they have a great big hole in the top that the beer keeps spilling out of. If it wasn't for my mouth being there to catch it the floor would get all wet. And that's alcohol abuse.

 

[jason]

This is one I love to tell. Not sure if I ever told it here.


An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

 

[Grandpa]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

 

[Grandpa]

Subject: A New Cowboy Priest from Texas

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish in Boston and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No s**t, what happened next”!

 

[charley]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Im sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled....... ."For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"

 

[Pathfinder1]

Hi...


Students in an advanced biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is the perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available when needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers, and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an "A"...!!

 

[oldsarge]

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
“Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’” I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, “Do whatever you want.”
So, here I am.

 

[oldsarge]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

 

[CozInCowtown]

In case you didn't already know this little tidbit of trivia:






On july 20, 1969, as commander of the apollo 11 lunar module, neil armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.




His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.



But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark - "good luck, mr. Gorsky,"





many people at nasa thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no gorsky in either the russian or american space programs .





Over the years, many people questioned armstrong as to what the - 'good luck, mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but armstrong always just smiled.





On july 5, 1995, in tampa bay , florida , while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about mr. Gorsky to armstrong. This time he finally responded because mr. Gorsky had died, so neil armstrong felt he could now answer the question.



Here is the answer to "who was mr gorsky":





In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town , armstrong was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by their bedroom window. His neighbors were mr. And mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young armstrong heard mrs. Gorsky shouting at mr. Gorsky,





"sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"



it broke the place up!!!



neil armstrong's family confirmed this is a true story.

 

[oldsarge]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why do you drive on a Parkway and park in a Driveway?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Why do they use sterilized needles
for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my
FAVORITE.........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

 

[CozInCowtown]

:rofl: @ Sarge!!!

 

[bsmit212]

Two elves walk into a bar. Their Hobbit friend just laughs as he walks under it.