Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eatin...g a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Fred sees his friend John come into work Monday with two black eyes. He asked if John got in a fight over the weekend and John says "no, it happened in church."
"Church?!" Fred asked.
"Yeah, there was this fat lady in front of me. Every time she stood up to sing her dress was farther up her butt crack. It got to where her slip was showing and it was bothering me. Finally I reached out, grabbed the edge of the dress and pulled it out. She turned around and slugged me."
"Well," Fred said, "that explains one eye, what about the other one?"
"Seeing as how she was so upset with me, next time she stood up, I reached out and stuck the dress back in."
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'them, put 'them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic."Try doing it with the engine running."
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "How much do I owe you?"
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir," she says, "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
The assistant replies, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $20.00."
The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
The clerk walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The clerk rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the Catfish stink bait is $2.50."
Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish. The first blonde said "This is such a great spot -- we need to mark it so we can come back."
The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.
The first blonde asked, "What are you doing?"
The second blonde replied, "Marking the spot."
"Don't be stupid," the first blonde said. "What if we don't get the same boat the next time?"
"Doing any good?" asked the woman on the bridge.
The fisherman, a new immigrant to America, replied, "Any good? Why I caught forty fish out o' here yesterday."
"Do you know who I am?" asked the woman.
The fisherman replied that he did not.
"Well, I am the County fish and game warden."
The angler, after a moment's thought, exclaimed, "Say, do you know who I am?"
"No," the officer replied.
"Well, I'm the biggest liar in America!"
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation, but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5pm. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.
This thread needed a bump to get it started again!
Well the pic didn't seem to work so how about a Cajun story?
Thibodeaux owned a farm. He had an old mule he used to pull the plow in his fields. It was a good, hard-working mule, so he took real good care of it, even giving it a place to sleep in the barn. The only problem was that every evening when he tried to put the mule into the barn for the night, the mule's long ears would brush the top of the barn door, driving the mule nuts and causing him to kick at everything. In order to solve this problem, Thibodeaux decided to cut a larger opening at the top of the door, so the mule's ears would not touch. As he was working on the door, his good friend Boudreaux happened by, and of course inquired as to what Thibodeaux was doing. Thibodeaux explained the problem, and Boudreaux suggested that he could save himself a lot of work by digging the entrance down a little to make the opening larger. Thibodeaux replied, "Mais, you couyon, I done told you it was because his ears are too long. Not his legs !"
I am well. Hope y’all are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps is easy and beats working for old man Minch by a country mile. They really ought to join up quick before all the places are filled.
I was restless at first because they make you stay in bed till nearly 5:00 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleepin in late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you has to do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine your boots and buckles. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, hay to lay… practically nothing. Men gots to shave but it is not so bad, they’ve even got warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on the pork chops, fried potatoes, salt cured ham, steak, sausage, gravy and biscuits and other regular breakfast foods, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by some city boys that live on coffee and doughnuts. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk far.
Speakin of walkin; we go on “route marches” which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to toughen us up. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. The countryside is nice but awfully flat. We don’t climb hills or nothin. Them city guys get sore feet and we all get to ride back in trucks. The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags us a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next part will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting! I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is purt-ear as big as a chipmunk’s head and it don’t move, and it ain’t shooting back at you like the Higgett boys do at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that guy Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds, and he’s 6’8″ and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty.
Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.
This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000!
"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?"